In this post, we go over the topic of shadow work for unresolved emotions and processing feelings.
First, let’s briefly take a look at what is the shadow self and shadow work.
What is Shadow Self & Shadow Work?
Your shadow self, or shadow, is the side of yourself you have no awareness of. It holds all the qualities you disowned during your formative years.
Although you learned to repress these qualities and push them outside of your awareness, they still live underneath the surface.
They unconsciously guide your actions and are the unseen cause for many of the troubles in your life.
Shadow work is the intentional practice of becoming aware of your unconscious shadow and integrating these neglected qualities into your being—becoming whole.
This is a process of building self-awareness, self-acceptance, and universal Love.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Carl Jung
NEXT READ: Everything About Shadow Work (Comprehensive In-Depth Guide)
Shadow Work for Processing Feelings
You don’t get closure by telling yourself the same story over and over again.
You give yourself closure by processing the feelings that were tied to the events.
This inner work of processing your true feelings is what allows you to let go of what happened and get on with your life.
It helps to talk to someone you trust to help you process your emotions.
- Name the emotion that you feel is tied to what happened
- Is this emotion new? Or is it reoccurring? How much of it is rooted in your past?
The reason why you tell someone you trust is that you need someone who can help you look at the situation more objectively.
Our emotional beliefs have a tendency to cloud our judgment and disconnect us from reality.
The goal of self-reflecting and processing your emotions is to find out the following:
- What is it you’re really feeling?
- How much of it is personal?
- How much of it is historical?
- What parts of these emotions are being activated in your relationship?
Then you will express these feelings with as much vulnerability as you can. This means you will speak it, and allow your body to act in a way you feel is most congruent to your emotions.
Have your partner acknowledge what’s going on and their role in it (even if it’s not intentional).
A line you can use is:
“I don’t need you to understand, I just need you acknowledge that this is how I’m experiencing it.”
At this point, you will know if the issue is rooted in the past or present.
If the issue is related to the present, then you can confidently ask for what you want without demanding it. Usually, whether there is change or not, you will feel better.
If the issue is rooted in the past, then chances are you started a drama and put your partner on the defensive. This prevents any closure from happening and usually means that you didn’t get an actual objective view from another person earlier on.
An objective perspective helps you prevent unconsciously manifesting a drama by keeping you in touch with reality.
Shadow Work for Unresolved Emotions
You must be able to both contain and express your emotions. You DO NOT act on them.
Feelings of being hurt or angry can be talked about and expressed, but you mustn’t act on them.
Although someone else has triggered this pain within you, it’s your responsibility to deal with them.
You take responsibility for your emotions by:
- Accepting the reality of the other person, they did what they did, they chose what they chose.
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions without letting it shake your foundation out of balance. “They did what they did. I can’t control it. Things could’ve gone better and they could’ve gone worse.”
- This sharp pain is a re-experiencing of your own childhood pain. Understand that someone else would take the same situation better or worse. This is the pain that gets to you. You owe it to yourself to mend your inner wounds and take responsibility, rather than act on your feelings.
Everyone is capable of hurting you to some degree. Letting yourself build resentment blocks off loyalty and commitment.
Acting out in vengeance will never feel as liberating as letting go of these emotional debts.
The good news is that by moving past these conflicts is what brings true commitment. It’s what allows you to see that this person is not perfect. While also strengthening your ability to love this person unconditionally for who they truly are—grounded in reality.
When this hurting can be reconciled, a healthy relationship can come forward. When the hurting can’t be reconciled and is relentlessly reoccurring, then this is abuse and must be left behind.
NOTE: No adult is too fragile for honest feedback. Although nobody should be a victim of blame, everyone should be called to be held accountable.
Here are some resources I recommend:
A Light Among Shadows is a guide to self-love and being that helps you overcome negative self-talk, instill genuine self-acceptance, and overcome self-hate and resentment by making sense of people’s level of consciousness and your spirituality.
Shadow Work for Beginners Series helps you beat negative patterns and beliefs, integrate your shadow, heal your inner child, reclaim your projections, build emotional maturity, and take back your life by becoming whole.
Shadow Work for Relationship Series helps you heal your attachment style, navigate relationship issues, and build a healthy, mature relationship.
Advanced Shadow Work is an ongoing publication with continued in-depth insight and practical advice you won’t find anywhere else on the internet for practicing shadow work, self-awareness, inner healing, spiritual development, and more!
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Book of Shadows (incl. Shadow Work Journal) is your own special journal that you fill up with your energetic intentions as you scribe your own inner practices to be passed down to others.
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