The following article, Inner Work for the Divine Feminine, is aimed at women who are still on the journey of selfhood. The process of becoming one's own self.
Some women grow into adulthood and have already integrated their divine femininity, which holds aggression and authority.
But for other women, these assertive qualities are something they have to develop.
Inner Work for Divine Feminine
There seems to be a path that women follow in their individuation.
Initially, they've been raised to be accommodating, friendly, and pleasant.
Then at some point, she is called to develop her assertiveness and authoritativeness.
This usually involves her getting in touch with her shadow and seeking integration.
By integrating her shadow, she learns to tap into her aggressiveness. Which is harnessed in a way that allows her to carry her capacity for authority.
Claiming Your Aggression
For many women, the quality of aggression has been thrown into the shadow.
This is primarily due to both sexes relating to aggression in different ways.
That's not to say that all men are naturally tapped into their aggression. On the contrary, some actually need to get in touch with this part of themselves.
But women do have a different approach to aggression since, many times, they aren't as physically imposing in comparison to men.
But first, let's describe what I mean by aggression:
If there were a spectrum where one end signifies aggression, the other end would then signify passivity.
Many women have grown up more on the side of passivity. And by claiming some of their innate aggression, they could achieve a healthy balance in the middle of the aggression-passivity spectrum.
This is assertiveness.
The ability to stand one's ground. To be able to be clear about one's wants and voice one's judgment.
A claim to authority over oneself and the ability to establish boundaries for how others treat you.
This isn't about being violent or destructive. Instead, this aggression is necessary for self-protection and preservation—
Even if that involves having some bite.
Owning Your Aggression
Aggression has always been a conscious choice.
But when many women try to express their aggression without yet claiming and being comfortable with it, it can come off as ineffective or even awkward.
Owning your aggression means you are making a choice to assert your will in service of your Higher Self, that which wants you to preserve your most significant property—yourself.
Not reacting with pseudo-aggression haphazardly. But making a firm stand for your own being.
Owning your aggression involves being able to put aside the feelings of others for the time being.
This is especially hard for specific individuals who take everyone's emotions into consideration. Especially someone prone to people-pleasing.
The challenge of people-pleasing is not only internal but also external.
When people are used to you being a people-pleaser, they are much more likely to project that expectation onto you when you are around them.
This is why it can feel doubly challenging to be more assertive with those used to your overly accommodating behavior.
Sometimes you will need to cut ties and be willing to leave social circles behind to force people to take back the projections of their idea of you.
This will make it easier for you to change your behavior if you're willing to take these measures.
Another thing I want to mention is that people online may tell you to just be selfish.
Asking a people-pleaser to be selfish will not resonate because most people-pleasers aren't aware of their own preferences.
It's easier for you to adopt the following mindset:
Don't be considerate.
This doesn't mean that you're rude or violent towards others. It just means that you stop going out of your way to make the other person's experience more pleasant.
You must understand that many people aren't naturally considerate. And you might be a person who naturally is considerate.
To them, all of your accommodating is coming off as "being extra."
Adopting the mindset of Don't be considerate can actually be the behavior shift you need to have a healthier perception of yourself and others as well as a happier lifestyle.
Although this advice is coming from me, a dude who had absolutely zero concept of boundaries until long after he should've—
I believe there are many women (well, people in general) out there who need this sort of advice to help them start getting in touch with their aggression and become more whole.
If you liked my tips, check out A Light Among Shadows: A Guide to Self-Love & Being for more relevant gems.
Becoming One's Own Involves More Focus On Yourself
To "enter" the inner work for the divine feminine involves going through specific trials that are personal to you in your life's journey.
These trials are typically those that involve grief and desire.
Trauma is the more obvious trial. You learn that things are not the way you thought they were. And it's usually followed by a nihilistic phase that eventually brings you into a new existential perspective.
Desire is another form of trial. Examples of this are daring to want more or answering the "call to adventure."
Part of your trial will inevitably involve losing your innocence—on an emotional level, but moreso an existential level.
Just so you know—
Those young men you see on TikTok who become heavily invested in the gym life are those who have just come out the end of a trial.
For most young men, this happens when their first real relationship comes to an end.
They learn that you can't control another human being. She's going to do what she's going to do.
This is typically when a young man lets go of his innocent (and naïve) fantasy for marriage. And instead focuses more on himself.
Sometimes focusing on sexual conquest since this newfound existential position comes with a distorted view of the opposite sex—adopting a willingness to objectify them, which is normal at this phase of life (although not healthy).
Both women and men go through something like this in their young adult years.
This willingness to "objectify" the other sex is also a boundary that allows a person to focus more on themselves to become established for their later years.
By the time they are older and more established, they slowly learn the value of relationships again, except from a more mature standpoint and a better understanding of human impermanence (hopefully).
In Spiral Dynamics, this is Stage Orange; ambition, amorality, and pragmaticism.
Check out my video clip Are You Ready for a Healthy Relationship.
Stop Making Yourself Small for Others
People who haven't integrated their ferocity have a tendency to exaggerate their own inadequacies.
Oh, I'm not that good at anything.
Look at me. It's not my day today.
Phrases along these lines are ways people vocalize that they are not a threat. But in doing so, they are also putting themselves down.
When you haven't integrated your personal divinity, that which can be assertive and authoritative—
Your only defense is to give away what you have in hopes that you don't arouse ill feelings in others.
When you do this, you are putting yourself in a very disempowering position.
That's not to say it's not practical—
Feigning humility can effectively help someone who is already uncomfortable in their own skin or feeling inadequate, whom you want to help.
But this defensive strategy can easily be destroyed by someone who isn't well-intentioned and can tell it's your only line of defense.
Self-deprecation is for those who are capable of being the "bigger bully." Not someone who is looking to hide.
Your Divine Sexual Power
Sexuality is both powerful and frightening.
Being the object of a person's desire can be a flattering experience while also terrifying when it invites unwanted advances.
I also want to point out that society has done a good job of normalizing sexual repression.
If somebody wants to have sex with many people, a few people, or not at all—there is no shame in that.
Becoming one's own involves acknowledging and accepting the entire spectrum of one's being.
Integrity—The ability to be honest with yourself and others, without interruption by shame or its coping material—is evidence of Self-Love.
However, your sexual appetite is, man or woman, feel free to fulfill it.
Understand that not everyone will agree with your appetites. That's their problem, not yours.
As long as you understand the risks, keep yourself safe, and respect consent—you're not hurting anybody.
What Does it Cost?
Becoming whole involves letting go of your childish arrogance.
Sometimes that thing you thought you despised is precisely what you needed to learn and make peace with.
A friend of mine recently confessed to me how much she loved her own mother.
She told me that when she lived at home, she felt that her mother was always in her way.
In my friend's eyes, her mother was someone who was holding her back and trying to keep her from living life.
It wasn't until my friend moved out and enough time had passed that she could retrospect and see things more clearly.
Her mother loves her and has always loved her.
What she perceived as her mother blocking her was actually her mother nudging her away from big mistakes.
Mom wasn't trapping her—she was protecting and guiding her.
Becoming one's own, or doing the inner work for divine femininity, is a lifelong process.
Not because it will take you your whole life to integrate your assertiveness or build self-awareness or self-love.
But because one day you will be that person who will guide the ones you love.
You will be the one who takes up the responsibility of guiding someone who has yet to become their own.
And you have to be willing to be that opposing force that makes sure they don't stray onto the wrong path.
To them, you'll seem insensitive, a bit commanding, and even restricting.
But give it enough time, and they'll soon realize that reason why you did everything you did—was because you loved them.
Here are some resources I recommend:
Shadow Work for Beginners is based on my in-depth research and personal experiences with shadow work, projection, sadomasochism, inner child healing, triggers, and all things shadow. This resource gets updated at no additional cost.
A Light Among Shadows is a guide on self-love and being. This series goes over consciousness, spirituality, philosophy, and makes sense of why people are the way they are. Recommended for anyone dealing with resentment and self-hate. Learn more here.
Shadow Work for Relationships teaches you everything you need to know about attachment theory, practical inner work, and your dysfunctional behavior. By the end of this, you will have developed your earned secure attachment style so you can put an end to your cycle of bad relationships.
Shadow Work Journal: 240 Daily Shadow Work Prompts contains inner work exercises related to relationships, anger, anxiety, self-love, healing trauma, abandonment issues, depression, forgiveness, etc.
Manifestation Manual: The Path of Least Resistance bundle teaches you some holistic and systems thinking along with how to mend your inner child wounds so you can align with your higher self and move forward in life. This includes 20 video clips as a free bonus.
Shadow Play (or “DsR”) is a small sister website that goes over “sensual” shadow work through my BDSM experiences. If you are 18+ and are interested, go here.