In this post, we’ll be going over shadow work for loneliness. More specifically, what you need to integrate if you are triggered by loneliness regarding yourself or others.
Let’s first quickly go over what is shadow:
What is Shadow Self & Shadow Work?
Your shadow self, or shadow, is the side of yourself you have no awareness of. It holds all the qualities you disowned during your formative years.
Although you learned to repress these qualities and push them outside of your awareness, they still live underneath the surface.
They unconsciously guide your actions and are the unseen cause for many of the troubles in your life.
Shadow work is the intentional practice of becoming aware of your unconscious shadow and integrating these neglected qualities into your being—becoming whole.
This is a process of building self-awareness, self-acceptance, and universal Love.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Carl Jung
NEXT READ: Everything About Shadow Work (Comprehensive In-Depth Guide)
Shadow Work for Loneliness Trigger
If you are triggered, or I guess, weirdly upset by those who are lonely, you need to own your openness to nurturance.
This is a weird one because a person who criticizes another person for being lonely is already invalidating them. And it makes sense that this invalidation is what drives a person to be alone in the first place.
Let me take a step back.
People who are lonely are typically not doing it by choice, or they’ve been around people who were invalidating or tiring enough that they decided to take a step back for their own good.
When it comes to personality, people can express their neuroticism in various degrees in two main ways: lashing out and isolating.
So when someone feels invalidated, depending on how neurotic they are temperamentally gives you an idea of how much negative emotion they can feel when something bad happens to them.
People with avoidant attachment styles are known for not having very many close relationships if any. And this is because in early life, their existence wasn’t validated enough, or they were consistently invalidated.
People with a fear of engulfment, or avoidants, do want nurturance deep down. But at some level, they are afraid of it. Because trauma.
An easier example to spot is all these TikTok videos where these dudes are admitting to living lonely lives because they’re tired of being burned—they’ve given up.
Which is understandable. They’re human and people need a break from disappointments and things like this.
But most of them, if not all of them, have this hope that they’ll meet the right partner who will actually give a shit about them.
So being lonely is often a way of getting away from mistreatment, while also opening oneself to nurturance.
Believe it or not, there are people out there who live their entire lives being invalidated. They feel less than human.
Their inner resources are so depleted because no one told them they were understandable, they were sensible, or that they were liked.
While everyone else is holding a balloon. They are holding bowling balls. And they’ve completely forgotten that this heavy mass was once a weightless balloon in the first place.
If this is you, remind yourself that “this too shall pass”. You might want to write that down and stick it somewhere. And make note to “let go of all attachments that no longer serve you”. That can help release some underlying pressure until you develop a new attachment that brings you forward into life.
Because beyond recuperation, at some point this does become maladaptive coping. Don’t judge yourself for being in this position. It was necessary, and getting back on track will always take time, surrender, and acceptance.
How do you integrate this Openness to Nurturance?
Let’s start by saying, not everyone is extraverted. While everyone wants human contact, not everyone is energized by this. Some people need time alone so they can nurture themselves and recuperate.
Spend time with people who make you feel bad. I say this tongue-in-cheek. The point is that you’ll eventually tell yourself, “I’d rather be by myself than deal with this shit”. Then the empathy factor will click.
Ask yourself, “do you demonize or dehumanize others”? Because there’s a chance that you are the asshole in this situation. Some people learn to validate themselves by invalidating others. So it makes sense to you that being alone is weird or even triggering. You have a psyche that thrives on being around people and making them feel like they’re “not okay”. Understand that not everyone thinks the same way as you. Many people get nothing out of putting others down, and chances are, the lonely person you criticize it that type of person.
Finally, learn that loneliness is a state of renewal. People with anxious attachment styles are afraid of being lonely because it involves self-confrontation. It involves needing to be alone with your own thoughts. And if you are codependent, I understand if loneliness feels like a black void. But the truth is that it’s more like a white, purifying fire. Because after enough time alone, behind all of those thoughts and old hurt stories, is the earned ability to nurture yourself and your own inner resources. A quality of an earned secure attachment style.
Here are some resources I recommend:
A Light Among Shadows is a guide to self-love and being that helps you overcome negative self-talk, instill genuine self-acceptance, and overcome self-hate and resentment by making sense of people’s level of consciousness and your spirituality.
Shadow Work for Beginners Series helps you beat negative patterns and beliefs, integrate your shadow, heal your inner child, reclaim your projections, build emotional maturity, and take back your life by becoming whole.
Shadow Work for Relationship Series helps you heal your attachment style, navigate relationship issues, and build a healthy, mature relationship.
Advanced Shadow Work is an ongoing publication with continued in-depth insight and practical advice you won’t find anywhere else on the internet for practicing shadow work, self-awareness, inner healing, spiritual development, and more!
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Book of Shadows (incl. Shadow Work Journal) is your own special journal that you fill up with your energetic intentions as you scribe your own inner practices to be passed down to others.
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