The following blog posts were written on my original blog over five years ago. This article is part of my 37 Life Lessons From My Youth Series. Note: I’ve matured a lot since then and my “voice” has changed since. Enjoy.
Hey there brother or sister. Is your world upside down and inside out?
Do you feel lost, scared, bitter, angry, resentful, depressed, numb, shattered?
I know where you are. I’ve been there too.
You’re stuck in the world in-between. The world that’s in front of you and a past world you thought existed.
And it’s gut-wrenching.
You’re having an existential crisis. And if you look online for answers, you’ll see that no one knows what they’re talking about.
The best information I could find on it is this and this. All the rest, especially those without personal experience, is garbage.
But don’t worry. I’m going to show you the light at the end of the tunnel.
However, you have to understand where you are right now:
What Causes An Existential Crisis
Although your existential crisis happened differently than mine – it’s essentially this:
You have an existential crisis when too much, gets too real, too fast.
In other words, reality destroys everything you once to believed in. Everything you thought you knew.
Maybe you’ve lived in a kingdom of thieves. Or maybe the end of the world is in sight.
Perhaps you’re all that’s left, or you’re all there ever was.
How you come upon it doesn’t matter. But I’ll share with you how I came to mine:
I came upon it when I was young, obedient, naïve, a good kid. In a single word – weak.
Back to back, over a span of months and people, I uncovered the ruse all around me.
The deception, the infidelities, the responsibilities, the abuse, the false hope.
The way I came upon it was too much.
But how you came upon yours may be vastly different. And that’s okay.
We are not the same person. And we are not on the same path. Nor are we on the same journey.
But like me, you won’t want these events to define who you are.
What Happens When You Have An Existential Crisis?
After it all happened, I broke. I shattered:
I would drink and spill my guts, lamenting “It’s all a distraction isn’t it!? So We don’t have to admit how f*cked up this world is!”
Most times I would feel so alone and isolated, like I was disappearing.
For many nights I’d have nightmares. My body would lash out and hit whoever was beside me. And I’d wake up in a cold sweat gasping for air.
Sometimes there were voices in my head. I’d even think about suicide.
Upon more things I don’t care to share.
However bad it is for you, and I hope it isn’t as bad for you as it was for me –
Eventually you come to a fork in the road.
Do you uphold the choice of meaning and morality? Or do you abandon it all?
I was seduced into latter.
I’d be rash and reckless for months. And I’d hurt people, lie, cheat, steal. Intentionally.
Not out of malice. I just couldn’t care anymore. Everything was meaningless.
And looking back, only chaos came of it. You wouldn’t be wrong to think that evil is utter indifference to good.
But this amorality was part of the process. To know you have the choice to do anything you want. You are no longer bound to what you once believed in. It’s liberation.
And even now a part of me wants to be that degenerate I once was. If someone questions my morality, well, that’s their issue not mine.
But that’s not how you build a sound life.
That’s why you gotta take care of yourself during these rough times. Get your head back in the right place. Have a routine to keep you sane.
I was in college when it all happened. And honestly, I never liked school.
I was only there because it’s what I was “supposed” to be doing. And I only kept going because I like to finish what I’ve started. It’s who I am.
Note: If you feel like you don’t belong, it’s because you don’t.
Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t leave. Only because it was normalcy, it was order, it was sanity. Although I didn’t feel like it much at the time.
And although life is kicking the shit out of you right now. Always move forward, fight to keep your sanity, make peace with the past and learn from your mistakes.
How Did I Get Passed It?
The same way you will. You get passed it by forcing sense of the world.
And you will go through new layers of this as you grow.
Soon enough I rediscovered my purpose in life.
It was the same purpose I discovered when I was a depressed child. I told my friend that I didn’t matter and if I died no one would care.
That day he told me exactly what I needed to hear. He made such a positive impact on my life.
After that day I took on an important purpose that I accidentally forgot over time:
To make a positive impact on people’s lives.
So if you really want to know how I got over my existential crisis, well…
You’re looking at it.
This blog, this site. It’s all here because it’s my medium to help people. And that’s what I pray my content will accomplish.
And you know what… it came from the heart of a pure child.
So to answer your question: Purpose.
Give yourself a purpose like I did. That’s how you get over it.
Maybe your purpose is to make a positive impact on people’s lives too. Or maybe it’s something else.
Only you would know, I wouldn’t.
Because like you I’m growing and learning every day. I don’t have all the answers.
But I hope the answers I do have, help the person out there who needs it.
And don’t get me wrong, you’re going to hold onto this for a while. But in due time, you’ll realize:
“I’ve been holding onto this long enough”
And you’ll put it down.
And when you finally do, your bones will be stronger than before. You will be reborn.
Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best,
– Richard
Here are the three books I read that got me out of my existential funk:
Gorilla Mindset helped me put my head back on straight.
New World Ronin gave me direction and reincarnated my purpose.
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It teaches you exactly that.
I stand firmly by these three books, as each of them got me through tough times.
And if you seek direction, I suggest you pick the one that sparks your interest the most.
