The following blog posts were written on my original blog over five years ago. This article is part of my 37 Life Lessons From My Youth Series. Note: I've matured a lot since then and my "voice" has changed since. Enjoy.
So you want to know how to build self-respect? Well understand this:
There is more to self-respect than dealing with people or achievement. Self-respect has to do with your soul.
To build self-respect you must understand the basics of boundaries:
- Do what's your responsibility
- Don't do what's not your responsibility
As every adult has their own responsibilities and needs; bills, family, health, happiness, etc.
Your self-respect is tied to how much you honor your boundaries.
When you have no boundaries and take up others' responsibilities you build resentment and feel violated.
When you honor your boundaries you teach others to take care of themselves so they can learn and grow.
Build boundaries to build self-respect.
Self-respect is a sign of maturity as people who are mature respect boundaries.
Mature people take care of their own responsibilities. Immature people do not take care of their responsibilities.
Here are signs of immaturity:
- Unreliable and lazy
- Violates boundaries
- Overly reliable (shoulders others' duties)
- Lacks boundaries
Those who show the qualities above are not mature and aren't fully developed.
Understand that irresponsible, boundary-violating, lazy people are cons. They don't deliver.
And people who take on others' responsibilities and lack boundaries are pushovers.
Among those who haven't fully developed you may notice a funny pattern:
(1) Good performers that spare others' feelings and (2) shit performers that seem brutally honest.
Those who are mature are capable of handling their duties and can speak bluntly (understanding truth may hurt, but it doesn't harm).
How do you build self-respect and protect your boundaries?
Say "no".
You say "no" because it's your duty to honor your boundaries.
As a rule of thumb:
- If it's not your responsibility, you say "no".
- If it's a ridiculous request, you say "no".
- When you feel unsure, you say "no".
It's not your responsibility to offer an explanation nor deal with their displeasure.
A mature, healthy adult doesn't get upset when you refuse their responsibilities (a skill they should've learned as a child).
We are all expected to deal with our own thoughts, actions, feelings, and behaviors.
Sometimes the best thing to do is physically get away from a person. Especially those you hold resentment towards.
Why stay around someone who is toxic to your soul?
Maintain the self-control to stay away and despise individuals who are toxic to you. As you distance yourself you will become healthy.
The physical distance can also make the immature person feel loss of fellowship.
People with self-respect let others fail.
My earliest memory is walking up to a playground jungle gym on a hot day and grabbing the metal chains. I was told not to and I didn't listen. My hands burned like hell, but I learned from the experience.
As the saying goes,
"You reap what you sow."
(Cause and Effect)
You must let the immature receive the consequences of their own irresponsibility; tough love.
Rescuing someone is not loving them. Because then they don't grow and mature. Let people fail and let them learn how to pull themselves back up.
That's how they learn.
Why you must protect your boundaries to build self-respect.
Let yourself be firm with your boundaries so you may live the way you are meant to.
Your soul cares most about two things, in this order:
#1 Your freedom
#2 Your service to others
You hand over control of your life and freedom if you don't say "no".
To shoulder someone's responsibilities is to violate your freedom (which builds resentment in your soul).
Your gut instinct is there to help protect your soul. But you can't be deaf to it.
Read: Why You Should Always Follow Your Gut Instinct
To say "no" is to protect your investment to yourself. To go against your gut is to cut off this crucial growth.
That's why it's best to be around others who can cultivate and respect others' boundaries. (Yes, finding these people will be time-consuming).
But when you honor your boundaries your giving is genuine. You can be a service to others and not expect anything in return.
Instead you can take pleasure in helping (as opposed to resentment).
This is because you are happily invested in yourself. You have self-respect.
You simply get more out of life when you give yourself freedom to invest your time in what your soul believes is right.
So how do your build your self-respect?
Honor Your Boundaries
Boundaries = Self-Respect = Freedom
Make the choice to live life the way you are meant to live it.
Not how others want you to.
Until next time.
Your brother,
- Rich
