The following blog posts were written on my original blog over five years ago. This article is part of my 37 Life Lessons From My Youth Series. Note: I’ve matured a lot since then and my “voice” has changed since. Enjoy.
Are you a people-pleaser?
People-pleasers are usually completely unaware that they’ve been brought up to be exploited by others.
In fact, they are totally blind to their “doormat” behavior. They don’t realize that their frequent kindness reeks with weakness.
This isn’t the type of behavior that develops after a one-time event either.
This is a behavior that’s built over a long span of time full of stressful events.
Typically surrounding someone who has a very predatory and exploitative nature.
And you were their prey.
With this person, you learned that saying “no” and having self-interest is always met with punishment, anger, and abandonment.
So in hopes of keeping the peace and avoid getting hurt, you developed your subservient nature.
Here’s the truth, People-Pleasing is a Slave Mentality.
Being a people-pleaser may as well be a mental disease. You think you’re being a good person, but you’re actually showing weakness.
It’s not your fault either, you simply don’t know any better.
“Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness” is a sad joke to those who have the slave mentality. Because all they have is weakness.
They can’t see it because they are blind to it. The same way they are blind to their damage and false nature.
I would know, I used to be the same way.
And I will show you how to stop being a people-pleaser and rid yourself of the slave mentality.
But first –
10 Signs of Being a People-Pleaser
1) You fear being around negative emotions.
While there are people out there who don’t care if someone gets upset, you actually fear upsetting or disappointing people.
When you deliver “bad” news, your first assumption is that the receiving person will go in a rage. Since it’s in your nature to avoid that, you experience emotophobia.
Emotophobia: fear of negative emotion; i.e. a fear of expressing anger, frustration or disapproval.
You may even lack the ability to express anger yourself, since you weren’t permitted to have “disobedient” emotions.
Your brain has been wired to avoid showing negative feelings. Which was a necessary survival tactic at the time.
NOTE: Your emotions are not the enemy. Stop treating your own emotions like they are the enemy.
2) You are very NAIVE and impressionable.
This means you are easily swayed by ideas, peoples, trends, etc.
Since you lack a sense of self and didn’t develop a clear sense of your own wants, you are very vulnerable to suggestion.
This is because you learned to anticipate desires and moods. You take in someone’s suggestion much more seamlessly because you believe there are negative consequences if you don’t
Unable to see reality for what it is, this naivety invites martyrdom.
3) You need an authority figure in your life.
This is perhaps the most pathetic symptom of slave mentality, especially as a man.
You need permission to do what you want to do?
No. Wrong. Absolutely not.
If you are a legal adult, you are capable of doing anything and everything you want. You don’t need anyone else’s permission but your own.
You make your own life decisions and you bear the your fruit and your consequences.
There’s no need for anyone to tell you what to do or how to live your life.
Listen to your gut and go from there.
4) You have an inability to say “No”.
This inability shows that you lack boundaries and have a low sense of worth.
And you do things for other people, simply because they say so.
Like a good little slave.
This is not acceptable. Not in your life or anyone else’s.
This lack of self-respect comes from not knowing where you and another person “begin and end”.
Let’s put it this way –
Would you allow a random person to park his car in your driveway? Furthermore, would you wash his car simply because he parked it there?
Self-respect is knowing how to protect your property from being violated by others. This is why you must learn to say “no”.
Because saying “no” is how you protect your most precious property –
Yourself.
Click here to learn when it’s okay to say “No”.
5) You have excessive compassion to your own expense.
This means that you have higher regard for other people’s thoughts and feelings than your own.
For example, you’ll let someone speak their side fully in-depth but when it’s your turn to speak you keep in minimal with low grandiose.
You make your opinion too little to consider and too easy to disregard.
This happens because you take too much consideration of what other people are feeling or possibly thinking. So you’re too altruistic towards everyone at your own expense.
6) You are regularly isolated and alone.
This is bad because we are social creatures. It’s necessary to have adequate social support (even if most people can’t relate).
When you isolate yourself you likely replay the bad memories in your head. This is a form of self-harm, since you aren’t getting the mental help you need.
This can also be connected to needing an authority figure. You may feel a need to have someone give you permission to do anything outside of your comfort zone.
7) You have a strong ability to rationalize people’s actions.
This isn’t about finding ways to excuse yourself.
It’s about you finding ways to excuse other people to other people.
You do this because you take everyone’s feelings into account. You want to avoid all conflict and any negative consequences that may occur.
8) You are immature for your age.
Remember that you develop a slave mentality because you’ve been around exploitative people.
The stress they have caused your brain has retarded your mental growth. This is why you have naivete and an immature view of life.
Relationships with exploitative people inherently lack independence. In turn, you lack a sense of self and put others above you at your expense.
A part of you may already feel that you’re X years behind other people; deep down you already know there’s a gap.
9) You have low confidence and low self-worth.
If you have most of the traits listed above, it’s because your mind and spirit have been crushed.
Therefore, you never developed any real confidence or sense of worth. You weren’t allowed to.
But know this –
The greatest cure to people-pleasing and all of its symptoms is to finally develop a sense of self-worth.
Once you understand and develop it, it’s only a matter of time until all these bad habits go away.
10) You suspect you’re a people-pleasing pushover.
If you suspect it, it’s because deep down you already know.
You consider yourself a genuinely good person, yet the world doesn’t return the favor.
Instead you’re treated like the world’s doormat. Frequently taken advantage of and treated with disrespect.
You’re tired of living with this slave mentality and you want to remove the mental shackles that have held you back for so long.
You want to be able to stand up for yourself and become a whole person again.
Why?
Because your life belongs to you, that’s why.
