In this post, we talk about how to develop and achieve earned secure attachment style.
How to Develop & Achieve Earned Secure Attachment Style
Attachment is innate in humans, according to psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990). We instinctively reach out to others in order to form bonds that will benefit both ourselves and others. The baby, in particular, seeks these bonds in order to survive.
Interpersonal relationships are sustained in this context by the needs we feel. For example, the baby is unable to feed itself. He relies on his mother for food and thus clings to her. That is, Bowlby’s needs are the most fundamental.
His starting point was behavioral research. Attachment theory has been described as a type of behaviorism. The psychoanalyst, on the other hand, believed that the confusion stemmed from the concept of attachment and attachment behavior.
Attachment is nothing more than a bond that provides a sense of security to him. The baby associates its comfort and safety with the figure of another person. In this case, his mother or whoever looks after him.
After WWII, John Bowlby had direct contact with orphaned children and sought to understand how the relationship between parents and children (particularly between mother and child) was formed, as well as its significance for the healthy development of human beings.
Attachment is the baby’s first emotional bond with those closest to him, and it provides him with the emotional security he requires.
John Bowlby’s attachment theory explains how a baby requires attention and care in order to survive. People who meet her needs and provide the care she requires form an attachment bond with her. The sensitivity to their needs is perceived by babies, and the first affective bonds are formed. The little one begins to develop an attachment system as she grows, which is made up of a series of attachment behaviors designed to keep her attachment figure’s attention and affection. Because the behavior pattern learned will tend to be repeated in the future, the attachment styles formed during this first stage of life are critical.
The attachment style is formed during this period as a result of the child’s affective relationship with their closest figures, and it will influence the child’s future affective ties.
types of attachments
Attachment styles vary depending on the relationship with the closest figure or figures; we divide them into two broad categories.
- Secure and healthy style: The secure and healthy type of attachment occurs when the child perceives security in their close figures. That is, the caregiver attends to her needs, is sensitive to them, gives her affection, protection and care. Children with this type of attachment will show some anxiety when the attachment figure leaves and joy when they are with her. But they will grow up with affective and emotional security, verifying that their attachment figures provide them with safe affection and care.
- Anxious and insecure style: This type of attachment occurs when children do not perceive the security of attention and care. The caregiver is available on certain occasions and is not always sensitive to your needs. This causes the child to experience more separation anxiety and to feel alone and helpless at certain times to explore the world. They will grow up showing emotional insecurity, needing the closeness of their loved ones to have the security of their affections.
- Insecure avoidant attachment. It occurs when caregivers avoid emotional contact with the child and avoid attending to their care. They will grow up to be excessively independent, since they have perceived insensitivity to their needs.
Attachment parenting, creating a secure attachment
It is essential to pay attention to this first emotional bond that the child develops and to provide a secure relationship, in which the child trusts the care and attention of their caregivers. An insecure attachment will lead to emotional dependency or other problems.
- emotional attunement. It is essential that between the adult and the child, there is a connection or emotional harmony. This will allow us to be sensitive to your needs. For this to happen the key is to spend time with the little one.
- Treat the child emotionally. It will help you to contact him emotionally. It is about not only attending to physical needs, such as food, sleep, shelter, etc. and attend to affective and emotional needs. To do this, let him/her know that you know how he/she feels, comfort the child when he/she cries, laugh with him/her when he/she is happy, etc.
- Develop your ability to empathize with the little one. We have to make an effort to understand their reactions and understand what they are trying to express, when they are angry, crying, having tantrums, etc. We do not have to let them pass these behaviors, but we do have to understand what has led them to start them and talk to them so that they perceive that we understand them.
- Learn to calm down and regulate your emotions. It is important that you transmit a serene and pleasant emotional state to the child.
- Interact with the child, from the first moment. Even if he is a baby, look at him, talk to him, smile, use caresses, etc. That they notice your affection and your love.
- Play with them. They are moments of joy that contribute to strengthening the affective bond because we share positive emotions.
Why you should fix your attachment style to have better relationships
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Everyone deserves to have healthy, happy relationships. But lots of us are stuck in cycles of unhealthy and toxic relationships.
This is thanks to our upbringing and how we learned to relate to others.
For some, this means an anxious attachment style, where we are needy and have a fear of abandonment.
Meanwhile, others have an avoidant attachment style, where we keep emotional distance because we’re afraid of getting too close.
Both of these are insecure attachment styles.
What’s the solution?
To build an earned secure attachment style. This means that we understand ourselves and others. While also being able to relate to our past experiences in a healthy way.
This isn’t easy. It takes time and introspection. But it’s well worth it if it means getting the healthy and happy relationships you know you’ve always deserved—
That we all deserve.
Get ahold of inner work exercises to help build your earned secure attachment style, so you can put an end to this cycle of toxic relationships once and for all.
Here are some resources I recommend:
Shadow Work for Beginners is based on my in-depth research and personal experiences with shadow work, projection, sadomasochism, inner child healing, triggers, and all things shadow. This resource gets updated at no additional cost.
A Light Among Shadows is a guide on self-love and being. This series goes over consciousness, spirituality, philosophy, and makes sense of why people are the way they are. Recommended for anyone dealing with resentment and self-hate. Learn more here.
Shadow Work for Relationships teaches you everything you need to know about attachment theory, practical inner work, and your dysfunctional behavior. By the end of this, you will have developed your earned secure attachment style so you can put an end to your cycle of bad relationships.
Shadow Work Journal: 240 Daily Shadow Work Prompts contains inner work exercises related to relationships, anger, anxiety, self-love, healing trauma, abandonment issues, depression, forgiveness, etc.
Self-Love Subliminal for self-hypnotism that will help you change your behavior and gain self-love, self-awareness, better relationships, greater health, and improve your creativity.
Shadow Play (or “DsR”) is a sister website that goes over “sensual” shadow work through BDSM experiences. If you are 18+ and are interested, go here.
Mindful & Mending is a small website that’s about self-hypnosis, affirmations, auto-suggestion, and more techniques & tools to help you shift your unconscious mind. Check it out here.